I know you were made for me

Written by Anonymous
NZ Born Maori

“ I know you were made for me, but darling don’t you wait for me, I can see the promised land, but I can’t do no promising, I know you were made for me but darling don’t you wait for me”

No matter where we come from, no matter our sex, religion or culture and heritage we have choices to make in life. At times they can be simple choices and other times they can be life changing. As humans we also have moments of hurt, pain, anger and sorrow and sometimes in those moments we have to make a choice and every single person is different and so are their decisions.

I don’t know the exact moment it began, or when it went from something social with friends, a bit of harmless fun or simply something to stave off the boredom of a couple of spare hours, however what I do know is that at some point in my life it went from this into addiction and addiction can happen to anyone and can change your life in so many ways and at times you may feel as if your life is spiralling out of control and you have nowhere to turn.

Although I enjoyed my vices at one point in time I made the decision to mask something and absorb myself in multiple addictions. I masked everything and I guarantee that up until a certain point no one realised what I was actually doing to myself mentally, physically and financially except for myself.

The long days and nights, alone, hiding in a fantasy world I was creating in my mind.  A fantasy world that I was hiding behind a veil of smiles, humour and good times. To anyone that met me there was nothing else going on. Positive, loyal and highly respected by those close to me in and out of work, sport and just life in general. Yet I was hiding a dark secret that I was actually struggling with addiction. As time went on, I found myself falling in love with one of the most amazing people I have ever met. Although that person knew of both vices prior to starting an amazing relationship, they didn’t realise the extent of my addiction until a lot further into the relationship.

As with all relationships, in the early stages love makes you blind. Mixing that blindness with the clouded fantasy world I had made a decision to create in my mind due to my addictions I was a time bomb waiting to happen. The thing about addiction is it changes you as a person completely. It alters your mind and changes your thought process. It also makes you selfish and your decisions are based on you needing to have the ability to continue doing whatever it is that you are addicted to. Things I would have never imagined me doing, I did and I am sure fellow addicts will understand that too.

Well into the relationship, the gravity of my addictions became apparent. My partner brought it to my attention that she couldn’t handle the constant moments of me hiding in this fantasy world. Even before this occurred I had thought to myself about reaching out for help to get me out of the world and lifestyle I was living but this brought it home. This moment made me realise that my actions weren’t hidden behind a veil and was affecting the one person I adored’s perception of me.

Having to make a decision between my vices and the love of my life, it is not a hard decision to make. I chose to make this the moment that I left the world of addiction behind and to step back into a clean way of living away from my vices.

Unfortunately that is easier said than done.

I tried and tried and tried. Do not get me wrong I could have gone to the extent of going into a residential rehabilitation facility however with work and life commitments and having financially crippled myself to fund my lifestyle this was not an option. Because of this it came down to stopping all of my vices immediately. Because of the way an addicts mind is altered whilst in the midst of addiction this can be difficult. Extremely difficult.

My partner supported me through it all, was there to see me cry, there to see me have withdrawals, there next to me each night when I woke up to change my shirt in the middle of the night because I had cold sweats, she was always there encouraging me and telling me she was proud of me. She was there for it all. Recovery is not easy and multiple times I slipped. The issue with my slips though was that I didn’t want them to be real, I was ashamed and felt I let her and I down, so I hid them. I made decisions that altered my life yet I didn’t know it yet. I lied and constantly lied. I was adamant that occasions never happened and would make my partner feel as if she was going crazy when she had caught me, yet I was certain I hadn’t slipped up, then I would finally realise she had caught me and would give in and say sorry. This can only go for so long before that person loses their faith and trust in you.

Finally it came to a point where enough was enough. I do not blame her one little bit. She ended our relationship. So many amazing memories and dreams of building a future together then pooof, GONE.

I would say that was one of the days I hit rock bottom. It wasn’t the first time and as an addict having to live with the addictive nature I have I’m sure it won’t be the last either.

Having lost the greatest love I have ever known I finally made the decision to quit on all my vices. I reached out for support, attended one on one counselling, joined support groups, deleted contact details and finally admitted to myself and to a few close friends that I was an addict. It was like such a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I didn’t need to hide in that fantasy world any longer.

Although addiction is a disease I also believe that decisions come into play and as with every decision there will be consequences, whether positive or negative. Addiction is a serious issue and the consequences are serious. I imagined marrying this woman and we spoke of what our wedding would be like, what are lives would look like when we’re old, the dreams and journeys we would go on with her son but now they will only be memories because of my decision to take that step into a world of addiction.

Now over three and six months clean from my two most serious addictions I have escaped that fantasy world I was living in and am seeing life in reality. I see my decision to quit as the greatest decision I have and that I will ever make. Escaping from that reality I can see that so many decisions I made were awful but I also see the pain that I caused to the person I adored so much and would have done anything for, except at times tell the truth. This kills me every single moment of every single day, and I am not afraid to admit that there are still days that I cry myself to sleep or even wake up in tears after dreaming of her. If I could win back her trust I would and would do anything to prove my love to her, but for her the pain is too strong and I can understand completely the hurt that I caused and have no one to blame except myself.

For me as well I need to recover and although I am walking down the right path it is a long time in the future when I can say that I am in full recovery mode however I believe that I will always be trying to prove to the love of my life that our relationship wasn’t in vain. Who knows I may bump into her in many years down the track and we be able to get back to creating amazing memories like we did but for now I need to focus on beating my addictions. Continue staying clean and continue leading a sober life.

“ I know you were made for me, but darling don’t you wait for me, I can see the promised land, but I can’t do no promising, I know you were made for me but darling don’t you wait for me”

My final thought is to let anyone who thinks they may feel as if they are struggling with an addiction issue, to reach out and ask for help. Yes it is embarrassing at first. Yes you may feel like a failure. Yes you will at times slip up but believe that as soon as you take that first step towards sobriety from whatever your vice is, you will see the world in a completely different view. Make the decision to change your life before it changes you. Don’t lose those things you hold dearly in your life, and do not make the decision to choose your vice over love wherever you find it. Ka taea e koe!